What Breaks Good Relationships, and What Builds Ones That Last

P.O.W.E.R UP Newsletter Edition 24

They met at a professional event and clicked immediately.

Their first conversation happened at a conference lunch that was supposed to last fifteen minutes.

"You're in strategy consulting?" Maya set her plate down without waiting for an invitation to sit. "Tell me one thing you actually believe that your clients never want to hear."

Daniel looked up. He was not used to being asked that on a first meeting. He answered anyway.

Forty minutes later, they had covered their industries, leadership philosophies, and frustrations. They exchanged numbers before the next session started.

"We should continue this," Maya said. "We will," said Daniel, and he meant it.

Over the months that followed, the friendship became one of those rare professional relationships that makes everything feel lighter. Long voice notes with feedback, tips, and wishes before high-stakes meetings, and recommendations passed through networks without being asked.

"You're the only person I can say this to without it becoming political," Maya told him once.

But slowly things started to shift after one particular incident. Daniel was direct: say what you think, get to the point, do not make people guess. Maya, on the other hand, was diplomatic and sensitive to others.

On one occasion Daniel had told her the truth, which in his understanding of friendship was exactly what you were supposed to do. What Maya had needed in that moment was not a structural critique. She had needed him to notice she was already exhausted, and to ask how she was before telling her what was wrong.

Neither of them said any of this out loud.

The small moments accumulated. A tone that landed harder than intended, a silence read as withdrawal, an expectation never spoken.

They genuinely liked each other. That part never changed. But they also ended up hurting each other in the way that only people who truly matter to us can.

By the time both of them understood what had happened, the ease that had come so naturally at the beginning had already left.

When Maya shared this story with me, she was not angry. She was sad.

"We had a great friendship," she said. "I don't know how we lost it."

I do.

Most relationships (professional or personal) break because of a communication gap: tiny misunderstandings, unspoken assumptions, and the slow withdrawal that happens when neither person feels quite safe enough to say what is actually true.

Three things consistently make the difference between relationships that fray and ones that hold.

When ego takes over, mutual respect takes a backseat

The most damaging moments in professional relationships are rarely the dramatic ones. They are the small ones where ego quietly takes precedence. Where being heard, being vindicated, or not being seen as wrong matters more than the relationship itself.

Daniel's intention was to help. But the delivery prioritised his need to be useful over Maya's need to feel seen.

Daniel Goleman's foundational research on emotional intelligence identifies self-awareness and self-regulation as the bedrock of effective leadership relationships. Without them, even the best intentions can damage what they were trying to protect.

The impulse that says "I'm being direct because I care" and the impulse that says "I need to be right" can feel identical in the moment. Only self-awareness separates them.

In relationships that thrive, ego takes a backseat. Strong leaders build environments where respect outranks personal victory.

The next time you feel the pull to correct, redirect, or win a point, pause long enough to ask what the relationship needs from you in that moment. The answer is almost never the correction itself.

Curiosity builds more common ground than agreement does

The best professional relationships are not the ones where both people always agree. They are the ones where both people remain genuinely curious about how the other sees the world, especially when the views differ.

Francesca Gino's research at Harvard Business School found that curiosity in professional settings is directly associated with fewer conflicts, more open communication, and stronger interpersonal trust. Genuine curiosity, not diplomatic nodding, but real interest in how another person's experience has shaped them is one of the most underused skills in leadership and in life.

What Daniel and Maya needed was not alignment on communication style. They needed the intellectual humility that makes space for difference without making it threatening. Dropping defensiveness, not seeking agreement, is where that begins.

Relationships that last are reciprocal - carried by both

The most resilient professional relationships are not built by one generous person and one grateful recipient. They are built by two people who both show up, both invest, and both notice when the weight has shifted to one side.

When one person consistently makes the effort, the check-in, the follow-through, the reaching back after a silence, and the other receives without reciprocating, the person carrying the load begins to feel it. And eventually, they stop.

This is one of the most overlooked dynamics in professional relationships. We are quick to notice when someone is difficult. We are slower to notice when we have become the person who takes without giving back.

The question worth asking is not only "am I investing in this relationship?" It is "are we investing in each other equally?" If the answer is no, the relationship is running on borrowed time regardless of how much goodwill built it in the beginning.

Trust grows where there is freedom, not where there is grip

The professional relationships that endure are not held together by obligation or proximity. They are sustained by the freedom both people feel to grow, to disagree, and to still choose to return.

Google's Project Aristotle, a multi-year study of over 180 teams, found that psychological safety was the single most important factor in high-performing relationships and teams. At its core, psychological safety is trust made practical: the freedom to be imperfect, to speak honestly, and to know the relationship holds regardless.

The leaders who retain their best people rarely hold the tightest. They hold the most lightly, and that is precisely why the relationship stays.

Maya and Daniel were exceptional individually. Together, they had something rarer. The relationships that form quickly are a gift. What we do to sustain them is a choice.

Which professional relationship matters most to you right now, and when did you last invest in it?

References

Goleman, D. (2004). "What Makes a Leader?" Harvard Business Review, January 2004. hbr.org/2004/01/what-makes-a-leader

Gino, F. (2018). "The Business Case for Curiosity." Harvard Business Review, September-October 2018. hbr.org/2018/09/the-business-case-for-curiosity

Google re:Work (2016). "Understand Team Effectiveness — Project Aristotle." rework.withgoogle.com/intl/en/guides/understand-team-effectiveness

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Dr Lakshmi Ramachandran, PhD, PCC is a leadership communication coach, keynote speaker, and executive coach working with senior leaders across Asia Pacific. drlakshmispeaks.com.